I hate insomnia!

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Yeah I know, who doesn’t, right? It has been plaguing me as of late. I go to bed around 10-10:30pm every night. Sometimes I don’t fall asleep until midnight. But even more recently, it’s been a living hell. Tuesday night, September 2nd has been the worst so far. I went to bed, but didn’t fall asleep until about 4am. What happened between 10:00 and 4:00 is what, the next morning, my mum told me must have been a panic attack. I don’t know if that’s what it was, but I certainly know I didn’t like it.

First, I was too hot, and too cold at the same time. I had the window beside my bed open, and it was a fairly cool night (though this is still a summer night remember), but even after I shut it later it didn’t seem to help. I kept drawing my comforter up to my chin, or my chest, or my shoulders, or anywhere else I thought it would help, and then immediately throwing it off so I would stop sweating. I tried this with just my sheet as well.

Then came the much worse part. I lay there trying not to concentrate on anything, trying not to think at all, and then I just stopped breathing. It took me a second to realize it, probably due to my exhaustion, and therefore lack of alertness. But when it hit me, another second passed, in which I was NOW panicking, and still not breathing. I tried to breath, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t move, hell, I couldn’t open my mouth! It was as if my brain had just stopped. On the third second, I felt and heard myself taking a huge gasp for air. I wish it had ended then and there. But I guess my sluggish brain thought it would be a better idea to drag this terrifying experience out, over and over, for about an hour or so.

Mum was right. It may have been one in the morning, but I should have woken her up. I thought I was going to die in my bed that night. Of course, once the panic attack was over, I still had insomnia. But as it became closer to 4:00, I went in and out of half-sleeping. I think I dreamt it was morning about five times, only to wake up and discover that less than a minute had passed since I last checked the clock. Then again, when I’m that tired, it’s hard to tell how many times I’ve really had a single dream. For all I know, it was one time, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about it.

The next day, despite feeling like crap, I went to school. I threw up in my first class, and was sent home. I went back to bed and slept like a baby. It’s just not fair. Why couldn’t I sleep like that at NIGHT? I was tired then, too. Why why why why WHY???

I made the mistake of thinking that the insomnia, the panic attack and the vomiting were all symptoms of some bug I had caught. That I had expelled said bug, and would now be able to sleep at night. Not so, unfortunately. While I haven’t had panic attacks or cases of vomiting, my insomnia still haunts me. The last time I truly had a day of school was Friday the 5th. Okay, not that long ago I suppose, but I had insomnia Sunday night, going until 3:30 in the morning, and left school before the first class was halfway through. The same thing happened today. Insomnia kept me up until 1:30am, and then I went home… well it was in my first class, but I don’t know how far in I made it, since I was asleep and didn’t look at a clock. I don’t think of these sort of things when I’m that tired.

So I stayed home yesterday, and today, meaning I’ll have a lot of homework and classwork to make up. Yay.

Oh, and I just got an update as I am writing this. My mum called from work; I am apparently not going to school tomorrow, either. Great, MORE make-up work for Thursday. I find no solace in knowing that I at least get an extension, because it will be several extensions, for several assignments.

Thank you to all the kind people who bothered to read this nonstop whiny, “pay attention to me” rant.

Fu out.

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